The Dilemma| The Dilemma | | Print | |
| Wednesday, 18 November 2009 21:58 | |
The dilemma is echoed in William Shakespeare’s passage from Hamlet quoted above which is strangely apt, and it begs the question: should I leave my identity hidden and just continue to write articles under the pseudonym of T. Paine, as and when I can, or I should “go public” and make my identity known? In writing the T. Paine articles I have used personal knowledge of the scene in Scientology or I’ve used my own experiences (or the knowledge and experiences of those very close to me) but I have been unable to include many specific details and I have been unable to tell my own story, because had I done so, forces within the Church would have realized my identity and cost me my livelihood as a minimum (I work for a dyed-in-the-wool follower of Scientology fashion) and there are other troubles they could bring to my door. But, remaining hidden I have been powerless to influence the cause in many other ways -- I was staff for more than thirty-one years. And saying to myself: “well, I am making a contribution with my articles” no longer seems enough. Others I know are doing far more. And is it not a fact, as Marty so accurately points out, that per LRH, the only power and threat the suppressives hold over me is really the power to enturbulate? Something I must grant them and indeed worsen by staying connected to people like Miscavige, if only by the thin thread of a pretense. So why the uncomfortable sensations as I struggle to make up my mind? Which seem magnified by the fact that no one is putting any pressure on me -- it’s purely my decision which means if for some reason things go wrong, there is no one with whom I can share responsibility. It’s truly a matter of personal conscience. And the very fact that I am left alone to make the decision speaks volumes of my friends. So, in order to make up my mind and decide on the right course of action I turn to LRH references. Reviewing a great many, two stand out as stunningly applicable. The first is from Handbook for Preclears, in which LRH refers to the above quote from Shakespeare when he says: “The first item in the ideal state is I AM. Shakespeare was quite correct with his question, 'To be or not to be?' When a man is trying to make a decision, that decision breaks down into a matter of choosing one of two courses: TO BE or NOT TO BE. The highest level of the desirable state is I AM. No doubts of the advisability of being, no qualms about the future. The lowest level on a survival course would be I AM NOT. In between we have the doubts and writhing and indecisions of the weary, the angry, the frightened. When a man has made up his mind as to a course of action, he is only then comfortable. So long as he hangs in a "maybe" on any decision, he is uncomfortable. In any course, there are just two decisions possible: To assume a STATE OF BEINGNESS or to assume a STATE OF NOT-BEINGNESS.” The second is from a tape entitled "The Deterioration of Liberty" in which LRH says: “When you have reduced liberty, it means you must be scared. When a man is afraid, he doesn’t perceive, so it almost always happens that that of which one is afraid doesn’t exist. “Definition: Fear is a state of imperception; fear is an unwillingness to confront. “If one cannot confront, he cannot become aware of. So, if one is unwilling to confront, then he doesn’t know what he is confronting, and he doesn’t see what is in front of him.” In reviewing those LRH quotes I realize four things: I had incorrectly assumed that the uncomfortable sensations I experienced related to fear of future consequences when in fact they were the common feelings anyone undergoes when in the throes of having to make an important decision. Any fear of “dire consequences” was really a misperception of those consequences. There was nothing Miscavige or his cronies could really do to me. I would operate better not PTS -- not connected to Miscavige. And thus I would be in better shape and better situated to solve any future problems or overcome barriers. The decision comes before the handling. It is not a matter of doing some handlings and THEN making the decision, if and when I can. That would be a reversal of truth. It is a matter of making the decision and then carrying it into effect with responsibility. It suddenly seems silly that I actually go out of my way to pretend to be connected to Miscavige and the church. So I make my decision -- I will no longer “fly under the radar.” I am going public with my views and position. The uncomfortable feelings subsided – as LRH said they would -- once the decision was made. I feel empowered, more alert and determined which is very useful because I will need those faculties to develop a plan and carry it out. Making the decision to go public was an act of increased responsibility not an excuse to cause mayhem to my dynamics. I will need to take a broader and higher level of responsibility for three key areas of my life: A. How to continue to do the Bridge for self and others, B. Connections (family and friends), C. My livelihood. I find that being an Independent Scientologist -- wanting nothing further to do with Miscavige Scientology -- actually opened more doors for me than it closed. I had no problem solving the above three issues once I made up my mind. There was damage caused by OSA, there is no doubt of that, but the increased advantages far outweighed the disadvantages. |
"Scientology has been taken over by a self-appointed dictator, David Miscavige, who has turned the Creed of the Church of Scientology, the Code of a Scientologist, and the Credo of a True Group Member on their heads and instituted the virtual practice of Reverse (Black) Dianetics..." 
Comments
What is your real identity?
OMG, this must be exactly how normal Germans felt when they were told by invading Americans in WWII of the immense atrocities committed just down the road from them; of which they either had no direct knowledge or had convinced themselves were somehow justified.
I left the Int Base in March of 1991 and while I had no direct knowledge of beatings, etc. I knew that something was not right and chalked it up to, "I am not cut out for this." I had decided that my purposes lay along other lines and convinced myself that if I got myself off Int lines then the out-tech and off-policy would have a chance to be solved by those with more wisdom and authority than I had access to.
I now know that the situation did not improve but deteriorated, horrifyingly. I cannot help feeling responsible on some level for not doing more to help my fellow staff and only acting to save my own skin. On the other hand I have been told by those who know and love me that this is a burden perhaps that I should not take on. In any event I have decided that my silence has contributed to allowing corruption, off policy and out tech to flourish. I CAN do something about that, I CAN speak up.
Good for you WomanSetFree. I know the kind of feelings you are talking about though. A left the Int base only a matter of months after you.
I have been hiding for 17 years. Just a few right indications have lifted off these clouds and made me more myself, for which I am immensely grateful to Steve and Marty and Geir and T. Paine... and the list goes on.
I feel brighter somehow =D
But I do feel, as I did then, that I am powerless to speak up. But my willingness to speak up is not an issues (anymore!). I've shut myself off from so many Scientologists for all these years. My biggest burden seems, to me, to be how to help someone else jump that hurdle of reality. That's what I'm working on now.
The power you generate with any beingness you assume is felt and appreciated and held in respect and even awe.
Jim Logan
Being a covert operative ain't a bad gig either :-)
For the record: I am no longer under the radar, OSA know this without doubt and the rumor is that I am declared -- OSA's latest tactic, declare by rumor. I am simply putting the finishing touches to my declaration of independence article before going broadly public.
I actually felt that even just reading the internet these past few weeks. It has been ingrained that the stuff you read on the internet is evil, imagining the sec checks and lowers that would be the result of doing so. I had to remind myself that finding truth where there have been lies can never be considered evil. I have never doubted being a Scientologist but I am certain that I am no longer a member of the Church of Scientology as it currently stands. I will disseminate the info on this site as well as that from Marty's blog to those I can. Unfortunately, it is limited as I have been declared, but I do still have some comm lines I can reach.
Thank you for all out there who have had the courage to persevere despite danger, kept their integrity in and made the truth known. LHR's tech is too precious to allow it to be degraded any more.
Your articles are powerful and incisive. You will do fine whatever happens. The affinity and goodwill in the independent field is something I NEVER experienced in 28 years in DM's CofS. Can't wait to see your full write-up!
Panther...which Independent out of the closet poster were you? Just curious as usually once out, actual real names are used when posting.
Thanks!
You say you paid off a $100,000 freeloader debt? Demand it back immediately. It is illegal to charge for on-the-job training in California. Just have a lawyer send a letter.
Please don't feel bad about taking advantage. They have a lot of money piled up. The more you get, the less harm they can do to other people.
Best wishes,
Martin Padfield
And thank you for flying the flag in the old UK. It's where my heart resides.
I look forward to meeting up. I come to the UK once a year at least (have family there). We'll have to get together.
Haydn
For this I was declared a Suppressive Person, and expelled from the "Church of Scientology", with no gradients applied.
In the interview I had with the Ethics Officer, I spent over an hour outlining my wins both in auditing and in life using and applying LRH materials. I then outlined the differences I saw between the Applied Religious Philosophy of Scientology that I originally joined, and what is now called "The Religion of Scientology based on the works of L. Ron Hubbard." Finally, I outlined my perceptions of David Miscavige, and how I arrived at the conclusion that he was an SP. And given that conclusion, it was "Handle or Disconnect". She told me that it was an incorrect observation. I had mentioned the death of Stacy Moxen Meyer (of which she was not only aware, but who her children and friends had been very close to) as being unconscionable in ANY setting, and by ANY measure of Scn Technology. (Get this now, this is an Org Ethics Officer...) She emphatically stated that her death was an ACCIDENT.
I just looked at her and asked her (not in a smart alecky way, but just kind of matter-of-factly) "And what does LRH say about accidents?"
That was the end of that interview. Two days later she called me and asked to meet so she could hand me my declare. "We have to protect the group." was her statement.
And so it goes. Her Confront of Evil (per HCOPL Ethics Officer, Character of)is completely nowhere, and she is in agreement with suppressive reasonableness in continuing to justify the out-tech, abuse and deaths being committed in the name of Miscavology and the "Golden Age of Tech".
Bravo !!!!!
I have been a public sci for 16 years, a few years ago whilst on my grade 4 i suffered a lot of suppression from staff, they tried to recruit me to the S.O and used EVERY mean possible: messing with my auditing, interviews, disconnections form friends, sec checking me, lies, and ARC x ing the hell out of me and it came to a point where I was losing more then wining on my auditing, ( it cant be called auditing as the auditors code was broken so many times ) I finely cracked, I feel in to grief, I just couldn't stop crying for 2 days!
Then I made a decision ( at the time I believed that my eternity is held by scientology ) I said to myself, the only statistic that counts in scientology is happiness, am I happy? I was more miserable then I had been in years, I was in a forgin country, with no real friends only ronbots, out of touch with life, I was living in la la land, I said if this is happiness I would rather be sad! I had wasted the best years (and a tone of money) of my life chasing some rainbow, I was too scared to "lose" this stable data, but inside I was out, I know in my hart the Ron would have never wanted this!
And I know that scientology as I knew it was gone, dead, maybe it never really existed ( there is no doubt that the tech is powerful and works, but after a certain level for me it stopped producing maybe, because you cannot be free in the face of so much criminality in the orgs )
in any case I am no longer part of the "church" I consider myself a student of philosophy, I love Ron's works, but I allow myself to study other philosophies, do meditation, and NLP, I am free to think for myself and choose what works for me, its harder when you need to research all by yourself! But I am free, I used to feel I was committing an overt by studying "other practices" it took me some time to realize I am allowed to think for myself.
Concerning your dilemma, I am not "out of the closet" people still think I am in, they know I am disaffected, I don’t think that at this time "coming out" would do any good, as the church is 1.1 and truth is was up the tone scale around 3.0 and above, so no real conversation would do any good, I have tried in the past and I got "oh really? Who told you that" type of comm, so just do the math, the greatest good for you, will it bring more benefit for you to come out? If so, go for it. I think that in the cases of key figures it is essential for them to come out as they are opinion leaders, when I saw all my past "herous" coming out it helped me to see I am right and no just "full of overts" these are people I believe and respect.
Before these key figures came out, all I could find on line was pure BS, such as xeno net and just pure bigotry and hatred, I believe that this site is the most truthful site there is for scientologists having internal doubts.
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