This article is a sober rebuttal of Mike Rinder’s recent criticism of Mr. David Miscavige’s super epic super production of GAG II. When someone does something right you should give them credit, not take cheap shots. Actually there’s plenty of precedents throughout history for what Mr. Miscavige is doing. And it is high time we recognized every inch of rightness he’s got. Let me explain.
First there was the release of the Grade Chart in the 1960s by LRH. Then came GAG. And now here comes GAG II.
As you can tell from the art and also the words if you aren't smart, this was the most suspenseful showdown ever filmed. (The only more suspenseful showdown was when Evel Knievel attempted his longest jump Caesars Palace in 1967 whilst battling the curse of a tainted Philly cheese-steak: severe constipation and diarrhea at he same time. At the apex of his 141 foot attempt, the consequent weightlessness unbalanced his bowels and... well you saw the crash. But the suspensful showdown in the doctor's office was never filmed, hence Battle Apes wins.) David Miscavige was an extra in this greatest of all ape films, an experience that taught him everything he knows about Superstar Scientology Management which the ape (pictured) is demonstrating. The film also served as inspiration for Battlefield Earth, The Movie, which David Miscavige secretly produced, directed and edited from inside John Travolta's codpiece (that's why they were so big).
Precedent #1: Well, in the same way, there was PLANET OF THE APES in 1968, then in 1973 came BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES with incredible memorable ape scenes and radioactive humans planning a race war. Now this one is very precedential to what Mr. Miscavige is doing—a total precedent but just slightly more hairy. Okay a lot more hairy, but radioactive humans in a room planning stuff—exactly the same! Because in BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES, they really had something there but then it got streamlined to remove any kind of plot, message, good sense, and anything interesting—in precisely the same way Mr. Miscavige streamlined Scientology down to GAG, and then streamlined GAG to to give us GAG II. So what we got left is 100% PURE DISTILLED ape with bad lines who couldn’t say their lines right anyway. Just like GAG II. True amazing fact: Danny Sherman wrote the script for BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES when he was only 16 while wearing an ape suit, just like how He will write the speeches for Mr. David “Jonnie Good-Orangutan-Boy” Miscavige’s new GAG II covered in extra hair, insofar as given that notwithstanding and that is to say.
But there are more precedents, hm-kay? so hold onto yourself as best you can until I can finish cause this is not easy and all of it is rock-hard important, hm-kay?
Precedent #2 is DIRTY DANCING, and then later, came DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS where it has nothing whatsoever to do with the original story because it’s all different people and takes place in a different setting too (Cuba), meaning a place that’s run by a DICTATOR who’s breath smells of cigar tobacco and bourbon… and TC’s lil’ peppy—just exactly like er ah... Manwife-you-know-who in GAG II.
Now for Precedent #3: First there was FRIDAY THE 13TH. Then, even better—no, much, much better: we got FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. Cause if you think about it, GAG II which is orders of magnitude better than original GAG comes on the heals of at least VIII of Mr. Miscavige’s most frightening slasher films each one filmed in full Tech?nocolor by tiny hidden video cameras which are everywhere:
I. The shower scene in Psycho at McBates Motel when old "Mother Miscavige" caught Mary Sue Hubbard naked and vulnerable. But instead of using a giant butcher knife, he just bit out her jugular vein spattering blood ALL OVER the shower walls! Now THAT's horror! A++ Take that Alfred Hitchcock.
II. Maniac at the Mission Holder's Conference: Decapitating head after head at the mission network in the famous 1981 GENOCIDAL BLOOD-FEST-A-GO-GO of verbal declares and Finance Police!!! Nobody made it out of that one alive but they were all just extras anyway so who cares?
III. Nightmare on Bridge Street where sly ole’ Miscavige chain sawed out the brains of Scientology by removing OT levels IV, V, VI, VII & VIII — Give ‘em the juice, McCulloch’s on the loose!
IV. My Bloody Valentine, David Miscavige’s quintessential 1986 standing order that all babies of Sea Org members get their spines snipped in half with scissors or just pluck their heads off—his most genius program of all time—wildly popular! Amazing!!! Why have children when you can kill them? Wherever possible, KILL! Whenever possible, KILL! Besides, what sociopath doesn't have sweet childhood memories of killing small animals? Keep up the tradition! HAPPY HALLOWEEN LADIES (insert insane laughter)!! This one was just MAGIC because when you find out your own ex-wife Sue Turton (MAA Golden Era Productions) did it by order of RTC without telling you, the name changes to The Day The Earth Stood Still. Surreal!!!
V. Massacre Canyon Int Base where Mr. Miscavige perfected brutality through Reverse Ethics! Twitching corpses everywhere!!!! Zombies eating their own bodies! Can I get a witness? Or do I need the witness protection program?
VI. Freddy and Jason vs. Management: Hacking out the jugular vein of Scientology with New Age of Machete-Management! Cool, drool, Chinese school! So much for Flag Management. Evals and IMEC.
VII. Night of the Living IAS Dead with zombies EATING HUMAN FLESH!! Hot gore-on-gore action! Gang-bang registration!! Sizzling XXX loan deals!!!
VIII. Triple feature at the Drive-In where no one drives out! Golden AIDS of Ethics where everyone succumbs to bloody wrong conditions and wrong indications that make people’s eyes absolutely POP OUT with blood gushing out of their noses like when an elephant steps on a tube of Close-Up toothpaste!!! PLUS, Golden AIDS of OT with new EPs (end phenomena) for New OT VII (terminal cancer) and New OT VIII (super suicide)!!! PLUS PLUS, Golden AIDS of Tech where virulent killer diseases take over the body after they get f**ked in the ASS by Diseased McChucky himself!! At the end of this one, you see the special Director's Cut put together by talking horse Mitchel Brisker where Miscavige comes out in lingerie, gets killed on stage by lovers-in-love Marion Pouw and Mike Stutter (who turn out to be brother and sister the whole time!) and the entire Int base turns out to be a space ship (who knew?) and blasts off for their home planet of Transsexual which unfortunatately collapses into a Black Hole as soon as they arrive. But that's nothing new. That place was a black hole from the beginning. HEAVY GRAVITY.
Then there is Precedent #4: First we had LEPRECHAUN, then we got LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA' HOOD! And why not? Here, in GAG II we got a little short snot with a pot full o’ (1.5 billion in TAX-FREE IAS) gold, is big on rottin’ attitude! Pullin’ cards. Poppin’ caps. Gettin’ in mah kool aid. Makin’ his wife disappear.
Precedent #5: First we had CADDYSHACK where the star of the show eats a floater while everyone else clears out of the pool. Then we got CADDYSHACK II. This film had no memorable scenes or lines. EXACTLY LIKE GAG II!
Precedent #6: SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER which was followed by its super strong sequel, STAYING ALIVE, i.e. the movie responsible for flushing the career of secret man-whore loving John Travolta down into the toilet for the next 11 years until he was able to play the part of a feeble-minded deranged homicidal killer. Soooo GAG II, it isn’t funny in every way. In STAYING ALIVE, John plays a hot-n-sweaty, silky-scarf wearin,’ stage prancin', ballet stretchin,’ SUPER STAR without anything good to say. SOOOOO GAG II it isn’t funny, right? It’s precedentiacilious.
Precedent #7: The WORM that transforms itself into a MOTH! Flying high into the porch light! Then came MOTHRA the giant flying moth that destroyed everything in its wake of hot air. Totally GAG II you know it.
Precedent #8: First, there was CAPTAIN KANGAROO. Then YO GABBA GABBA with DJ Lance, Muno, Plex, Foofa, Toodee, and Brobee in Gabba Land featuring a special appearance by Super Martian Robot Girl. And right on the money we’ve got DJ McTinyfists, with Ceeohbee, David, DeeEmm, DingLing and Satan in Grabass Land with a special appearance on Anderson Cooper 360 by Super Robot Martian Girl Jenny Linson, i.e. GAG II in a mod orange jumpsuit all the way! YO GRABBA GRABBA!
Precedent #9: First there was WWI with Mustard Gas. Then came WWII with Zyclon B where they exterminated way more people. Can GAG II exterminate the soul of everyone in the CoS while Gold Member looks on? Right in the Kanickies!
And finally there is Precedent #10: First we had the DINOSAURS. Then a burning flaming meteor of asteroid Napalm hit that was like maybe the size of the moon, right? So the dinos were all surrounded by rivers of molten lava and they just like looked around and said, "Dude, this is bogus! We need some cool rules or we're going to be FOSSILS." With GAG II, we have the same thing. But with even fewer cool rules than the rivers of hot molten lava provide. See? Precedent city. Wham bam thank you ‘Nam.
FREE BONUS Precedent #11: First we got HERE COMES THE SUN by George Harrison going on about a "long cold lonely winter." Then we got HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO. If that is not GAG II, I don’t know what is. The only differences is, Honey Boo Boo is taller than Mr. David Miscavige. But don't tell him I said that because he will get really mad and maybe point dozens of new cameras at random women like Mosie, Christie and Michelle Obaba. I don't know why he does that, but you how how he HATES WOMEN! And Texas!
I hope this sets the record straight for all who want nothing more than to welcome GAG II with stiff arms, an open mouth and dead staring eyes. With flies on them.