Sea Org Veteran, NOT C/S, CCRD C/S
WHY COME OUT NOW?
Rapunzel got the knots out of her hair, braided it and is climbing out of the tower window.....
I am here = Crime no 1.
I have duplicated what has been, is happening in the Co$ and the history of Scientology = Crime no 2.
Despite a DM bot strongly advising me NOT to post on this blog I dared to communicate here and defied the implied threat of what would happen to me if I did = Crime no 3.
Time permitting I have occasionally posted under a temp name of 'IndieNow'. From now on it will be 'ZEPHYR 101'.
I have felt part of this group for a year now. After applying LRH's “Personal Integrity” (Ability Issue 125) to my situation this was the only acceptable choice. I was a “closet indie” and was afraid to lose my old friends. Now I have decided it is better to look forward to finding new friends who are not afraid to look, see and accept the truth.
Following the “Red Radish Principle” that was applied in East Germany before the Berlin wall came down — appearing red on the outside to blend in with the communistic trends but being white on the inside — worked for a while. Then it dawned on me that that there are better choices here, like taking a stand. One inspiration came from my local park: Victory Over Violence — “One of the greatest crimes of all is to stand silent in the face of wrongdoing.” George Santyana
Having been in the Sea Org for 27 years and being a trained NOT's C/S, mid OT VII, I have seen and experienced a lot. It took me almost 2 months to wade through the data presented on the Internet, sorting out the wheat from the chaff, lies from truths and then connecting the dots to my personal experiences.
It was amazing to look back and see how I spotted many of the off policy, the out-tech points at that time. While I then protested, wrote KRs or cramming orders I was nevertheless often quite reasonable or simply apathetic about those situations. Looking back and as-ising some of my own failures brought about great change, many realizations and a renewed zest for the subject of Scientology and life. Call it a rehabilitation for what is good and workable in Scientology.
I have now completed my Doubt Formula in writing and want to thank the terminals who helped me along. Ah, it is a two-terminal universe!
As per The Way to Happiness, Precept 10: SUPPORT A GOVERNMENT DESIGNED AND RUN FOR ALL THE PEOPLE, now knowing that the Scientology 'government' is NOT run for all Scientologists I hereby withdraw my support of it.
My Scientology Adventure
I read my first Scientology book, Fundamentals of Thought, in 1972 while laying on a rock in the Swiss mountains. There was something very special about this book. It impinged despite me being stoned. Enough for me to find out more about this Scientology, coming off drugs by myself and simply showing up in Munich to do the Comm Course. Some wonderful magic was involved there as my (ex)-boyfriend's jaw dropped when he saw me. He had JUST written me a letter to come to Munich and join staff, and here I was.
Looking back I believe that Scientology appealed so very much because it was a game well above the normal MEST games and acted as a great stable datum to the confusions in my life.
After an awesome Comm Course I was next signed up for the HQS course as the first student of that course in Germany. I translated, typed, printed, collated the whole HQS course into German, as my twin didn't speak English. Running CCHs got her off drugs. Having great wins the then CO, Jens Bogvad (RIP), signed me up on my billion year contract. Munich was then run as a Sea Org org. That was after being 3-4 weeks in Scientology.
Soon after, us newcomers were sent to Copenhagen to do the DPF (Deck Project Force) on the 'Athena'. It was so crowded with all these DPFers from Germany and Sweden that the only space to study was between one's elbows. The new knowledge opened up space galore and the small physical space became irrelevant. We dragged the anchor chain out on the dock and for weeks chipped rust off of it.
Next Captain Mitch Spence borrowed me to translate the 'Welcome to the Sea Org tapes' into German at the DK Translation Unit to speed up the flow of DPF trainees. This I did and finished it.
Once back in Germany Scientology was under heavy attack and -with no media support on our side -I was chosen as I/C of the first 'Freedom Cavalcade' distributing thousands of Freedom newspapers in all of the major German cities which gave us some much needed 'breathing space' on the 3rd dynamic.
In 1973 The GO wanted me to hold Assistant Guardian PR post while another staff member was being trained. I got some mini training at GOWW and then held that post as well as I could. Highlights were getting data from a 1.1 journalist, surface data of 3rd party and highly libelous data that had been simmering underground. This data in hand allowed starting all of those lawsuits against FBI, SCOTLAND YARD, etc. But I was a techie and so when the other staff member had been trained I went back to Tech..
In 1975/6 I trained on my Academy and co-audited on Dianetics at AOSHUK. Then audited at Munich org's HGC.
In 1978 back at AOSHUK for Expanded Dianetics training and auditing. HCOB DIANETIC CLEAR saved me from further XDN auditing. Off and onto OT levels.
In 1980 I was sent to AOSHEU&AF to do various C/S training courses and internships. Also got onto NOTs.
Meanwhile, 1982, Munich had moved to more posh quarters. At one point we had an SO mission. I was in despair as a C/S about how the new HRD instructions were being applied differently by each auditor and there was nothing I could do. It just didn't seem right. I showed the Int Missionaire the various interpretations and exclaimed “There must be an SP up the line”! The missionaire calmly acknowledged with a “You may be right!” She did not say who SHE had in mind. Later on I assumed it was David Mayo.
In summer of 1982 the European Orgs were collapsing. I don't remember why. When the humming of production ceased in Munich I ran the org from the C/S office of sorts. I came out to raise hell, including the GO, to get the wheels of production turning again. Shortly thereafter I was being recruited into SR C/S INT OFFICE. I didn't hesitate even for a split second.
Coming to the US in October of 1982 I was a 'stranger in a strange land' and I really didn't grok it.
At that time INT applied international emergency. I had been in Power in Munich but had troubles coming out of Non-existence in this new strange world. Call it a hell of a skipped gradient!
DOT CONNECT: One thing I noticed at the Int base in their “Massacre Canyon Inn” dining room. The table with DM and his top execs behaved like — pardon my French — male dogs around a female in season. There was something frantic about looking good and speaking good which struck me as unnatural.
I also remembered — as I started to connect the dots of my PT knowledge of DM to my personal experiences — how incredibly rough DM played in a soccer game. He HAD TO win.
While I looked through the worksheets of sec checks that were being applied to some of my friends in Germany in Gestapo fashion by the Finance Police (Wendell Reynolds), I protested wildly and this got me in short order on the decks. Instead of supervising the Running program as Sr C/S Int for Pilots I was running myself up to 13 hours a day. Had some great wins there too but will spare you the bad consequences of the out-Tech of running in boots in the rain. It is an amazing program and it was LRH's solution for lots of messed up staff cases to pull them out of the mental muck.
Due to visa troubles I had to leave INT and started auditing at INCOMM only to be exchanged to CC INT shortly thereafter. I C/Sed full-time. There was no study time, no group, not even staff meetings. I ate while c/sing. The 'Clear' scene was very different from EU and I reported it to SR C/S INT. Shortly thereafter I was put onto the RPF in PAC and a few days later, with a lot of other RPFers it was up to GOLD. No time to take care of my few personnel belongings. They were all simply thrown away as I found out later. Grrrrr!
DOT CONNECT: Here the real nightmare started with renovating Bonnie View, redoing the ship's deck and then building the music studio with no, or way insufficient, sleep. It was all based on an incorrect eval that LRH would come back there. What a waste of resources! The beingness was not the one of an RPFer but being a member of the GCT (Gold Construction Team) as there was literally no study, just Ethics conditions done out in the cold so the person would not fall asleep! It was pretty much for the birds. After several months of that the body took its revenge. It took 6 months to regain full mobility of my shoulder and of course no org money for chiro adjustments.
Being chosen as one of 6 GCTers for FT auditing was the light at the end of a long tunnel. Jeff Walker gave us one afternoon to get through the NOTs RDD. That twinship with Steve Marlow wasn't exactly great. Being at Happy Valley DID give some freedom that I completely missed at the base. Justifications while running FPRD were not written out and my Ser Facs are well and alive, thank you for asking.
In 1986 the amnesty for RPFers put an end to all of that and I returned to CCI where I climbed back up the ladder in the Tech Div and was soon again auditing and also C/Sing FPRD.
In 1989 Sandy Wilhere asked me if I wanted to become a Solo NOTs C/S and I said 'yes'. That was for the Universe Corps and I couldn't think of anything better than to reward staff members with upper Bridge training and auditing. I shifted over to AOLA trained as a NOT's auditor and NOTs C/S under Barbara Thompkins and finished my own NOTs in their UC (Universe Corps). That was the solution for Flag having rejected me for NOTs training while already at Flag for being disaffected!!!! On that subject, for years on staff, my stable datum had been LRH's handwritten note (just after PAB 42 old Vol II p.132) “THE FOCAL POINT IS UPON SCIENTOLOGY, NOT ITS ORGANIZATIONS OR AUDITORS OR PERSONALITIES.”
I also trained and interned as Solo C/S.
OT VI and getting started on OV VII was done at AOSHUK in 1990 while I audited staff in their UC team.
When Zurich Org (Switzerland) achieved the St. Hill size stats in 1990 our Universe Corps Team was in place at the celebration in Zurich. We were quite a good team except that the Belgian NOTs auditor applied the typical French Ser Fac of refusing to learn German, which meant that any staff member not speaking French or English landed on my plate to be audited in addition to being C/Sed.
In 1991 the top brass of RTC including DM toured the EU orgs including Zurich. As the group entered the UC floor (close to the org but in a separate building) my TR 0 went out. Getting interviewed with “why no products?” didn't help. My Pie Face obviously wasn't right. Gosh, my superior at the HGB seemed quite happy with our progress. Long story short, I had been found to be the WHO for the Zurich org delivery stats going down and was being recalled to US. I don't know if anybody cared about finding a 'WHY'. This was the beginning of the end and my SO career went downhill from there.
While washing dishes at the HGB for some weeks I got a Comm Ev which rehabilitated me but the Zurich UC team had been dispersed, destroyed. Zurich had gotten its high delivery stats with the help of field auditors and the SO mission bringing this about was rewarded a condition of Power. Once this result was achieved the field auditors rubbed their hands:“time to go home” and the stats crashed since there was no internal structure to uphold the high delivery. Sherlock Holmes would have said “Elementary, my dear Watson”!
Trying to do lower conditions and submitting a Liability condition to the RTC brass that somehow made any sense to me was the most horrible thing I ever had to do since I was STILL in mystery as to why my TR 0 had gone out! I have been in mystery on that for 20 YEARS and chewing through my own time track to find that proverbial needle in the haystack to answer that question. It never occurred to me that this could just be politics or more clearly outright suppression. As a disaffected S.O. member I surely should have thought of that!
DOT CONNECT: It is ONLY quite recently, having studied what has been happening in the church that I now understand that THE DECISION TO TAKE ME OFF POST WAS MOST LIKELY ALREADY MADE AND I PICKED IT UP!!!! I was the person chosen to take the fall.
The step of doing justice for the sake of the group was done but not the one of then taking care of the individual as per HCOPL 7 Dec 1969 THE ETHICS OFFICER HIS CHARACTER. Instead I was being stuffed into the CC Manor crew as steward, soon to be upgraded to being the Housekeeping Supervisor, too far out of the way for my rebellious nature to cause much trouble.
1991 the evolution of the new NOTs and Solo NOTs materials started at the old Bridge building and I collated the new packs. This was again a period of heavy sleep deprivation and I remember just having finished translating and typing a Solo NOTs issue into German when I could no longer lift my arm and got yet another Bursitis, this one in my other shoulder. When the evolution was finished I couriered the materials to Flag, arm in sling, consuming 60 Advils. Though I saw the Flag MLO nobody could be found to give me even a Touch Assist.
Back in LA the schedule became more livable and I did a lot of running the way I had learned on the Running program, i.e. Cause Rehabilitation Program. A cognition that one cannot as-is a motivator helped ease my mental pain.
Fortunately for me there were now passport troubles and I was scheduled to be sent on mission to Europe. I refused to go on mission knowing I had an unhandled out-list but finally recruited my old auditor, James Fuller, to give me a session before getting fired out to EU.
By now it was 1993 and while based at AOSH UK I did several missions: Munich, Vienna, Paris. Then a long one in Milano to help them achieve St. Hill size stats. What an incredible pleasure working with the Italians. They are the most uptone Scientologists I ever met anywhere and they know how to live. The feats they'd pull off Thursday morning to get the stats up are legendary. Frankly I STILL feel horrible about having gotten their hopes up that they were going to make it THIS TIME only to fail them as well. At this point I want to humbly apologize for my part in this.
I attended the IRS event re “The war is over” in Milano, never questioning what the price for this might have been.
Back at AOSH UK I audited staff. The neglect of staff cases was shocking. LRH would have turned over in his grave.
DOT CONNECT: DM inspected the org when something set me off so bad that my normal remedy (when mad bang fist into the wall) did NOT work. My fist went THROUGH the wall. I hung a picture over the hole and survived that inspection.
Not long after that, by orders of D/Sr C/S Flag, Alain Kartuzinski (RIP), I was the only C/S allowed to C/S CCRDs in all of Great Britain so I C/Sed that particular cycle for the whole Bridge for several months until the other C/Ses completed their retreads / retrains.
In summer of '93 I received a phone call from OSA US or INT: Would I like to come back to the US? Oh no! Horror! But dutifully I said 'yes'. So I came back and worked at AOLA auditing in the HGC and doing Solo Reviews. I felt like a shadow of my former self. I had lost my purpose with that UC C/S bust. It was a cliff hanger situation and my fingers started slipping. My immune system went out, my back went out. I had not missed a day on post in 22 years and wanted to keep this up. Disaffected, right? Auditing on a chiropractic chair with an icepack on my back and after session I was sneaking along the walls for support to get my pc or pre OT to the examiner. Not much of a life!
After the 1993 event I heard that Flag's Routing Forms now contained a section to check if one had payed one's taxes. That sounded like they'd become IRS field agents. What's next? A question on the RF that asks “Have you played with yourself in the last 6 months”? There was a mission in May or June of 1996 spearheaded by Jenny Devocht for all of PAC.
DOT CONNECT: The daily PAC briefings were something else. That was the first time I encountered that some poor S.O. fellow's sexual pecadillos were being broadcast to all attending. What on earth for? Also the so called 'Source Briefings' were anything but Source to me. Often there was no transcript, I could not look up the misunderstood words and then had to grudgingly spend my next study time to clear this up if I even found a transcript. LRH lectures are wonderful but not on an enforced basis interrupting my BC schedule. So that was the new 'enforced source.' No, thank you!
I will not divulge where I spent most nights so I could actually get some sleep.
DOT CONNECT: I felt very uncomfortable with the new Tech vols seeing that the initials of the author and the typist etc. were now omitted. That just didn't sit right and was never answered in a satisfactory way.
Also somewhere along the line DM's fixation on 'perfect MEST' got seriously on my nerves. A story of someone going clear on Dianetics in a broom closet under the stairs was far more elating.
I could understand the 3rd Dynamic viewpoint for sending me to the RPF. One doesn't deliver the best auditing while in physical and mental pain. That was the missionaire who got rid of a lot of PAC auditors.
DOT CONNECT: Here we went again into the next episode of all-nighters — read, ‘sleep deprivation.’ The medical handling I had been doing before getting RPFed got interrupted and the 'disease' returned with a vengeance. I was in terror over the look and feel of an utterly itching body.
Objecting to the use of LRH'S great tool of the “Buddy System” (see Admin Dictionary) as a security tool and violating it in protest landed me on the RPF's RPF and not long thereafter earned me a Non-Enturbulation Order. Not being aware of any other possible solution I really didn't want to get declared. But now I REALLY wanted to leave the S.O. and said so. Once in a bout of rebellion I simply walked out of the complex, puffing on a cigarette (forbidden!), with the nervous RPF's RPF MAA, followed by a rat tail of some 20 'inmates' behind him and walked around the Berendo block until I had calmed down. I probably hit a Highest Ever with 185 days on the RPF's RPF, mostly in the boiler room! There was a brief brush with GAT on the Student Hat and I didn't like it. Can't remember a thing of it despite talking to the wall for hours. The following summed it up for me: The Axioms of S.O.P. 8-C VIII DUPLICATION, Axiom: “An enforced fixation in a geographical position brings about an unwillingness to duplicate.” I just wanted OUT of that miserable place. It would probably require a truck to transport my RPF ethics files filled with all of the nonsense KRs written on me.
I finally routed out 'standardly' (sic!) in April of 1997. Instead of the $500.00 severance pay I got the 'Money Tapes' not even the lectures that I had really wanted.
It has been a hell of a learning curve to be out. Thanks to friends who helped it came out alright.
DOT CONNECT: Since about 2 1/2 years I no longer go to events. Got tired of having highly generalized and mostly irrelevant stats machine-gunned AT me and then having to endure 'walletectomy' at the very end.
Last summer when being visited by Hansueli — he just happened to be in the area, hmm, waiting for me when I returned dead tired at midnight from work — I asked him why events (instead of magazines) were still going on despite LRH having forbidden them. He said there were “LRH advices allowing such in the transition period.” Well, this is plain fodder on the HIDDEN DATA LINE in addition to any such transition period being long over. Upon further digging into this subject I found out — with the help of Luis Garcia and Steve Hall that the LRH issue in question is a CENTRAL BUREAUX ORDER, issued in either 1977 or 1978 after the stats crashed following the first international event.
I thought it wouldn't hurt to get this data into the limelight again.
I now apply JOY OF CREATION and help Scientologists and non Scientologists alike with whatever I CAN help them while following my interests (rock hounding, gold mining, silversmithing and jewelry making) and doing a job to keep afloat financially. I have never stopped studying LRH. The difference is that now I study what I am interested in.
DOT CONNECT: A tremendous waste of time and promo is going on. In the last 2 years the outflow of the Cof$ has increased enormously. Emails from orgs I have never been to are spam and didn't get handled when written up. There is an overall lack of Axiom 51: POSTULATES AND LIVE COMMUNICATION NOT BEING MEST AND BEING SENIOR TO MEST CAN ACCOMPLISH CHANGE IN MEST WITHOUT BRINGING ABOUT A PERSISTANCE OF MEST, THUS AUDITING CAN OCCUR. The amount of weekly promo is huge. I can't even feed it to the worms that eat my garbage as it is too glossy!