The Dilemma | Print |
Wednesday, 18 November 2009 21:58

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them.

(From Hamlet by William Shakespeare) 

I’m in the same boat as many others these days, faced with a dilemma. I’m without doubt an Independent Scientologist but the Church of Scientology is unaware of it because I fly “under the radar”. It is hard to miss the fact that Scientology is off the rails but it’s one thing to see it and quite another to overtly and openly do something about it because that would make me starkly visible to the suppressive forces that run it, at least that’s the appearance.

The dilemma is echoed in William Shakespeare’s passage from Hamlet quoted above which is strangely apt, and it begs the question: should I leave my identity hidden and just continue to write articles under the pseudonym of T. Paine, as and when I can, or I should “go public” and make my identity known?

In writing the T. Paine articles I have used personal knowledge of the scene in Scientology or I’ve used my own experiences (or the knowledge and experiences of those very close to me) but I have been unable to include many specific details and I have been unable to tell my own story, because had I done so, forces within the Church would have realized my identity and cost me my livelihood as a minimum (I work for a dyed-in-the-wool follower of Scientology fashion) and there are other troubles they could bring to my door.

But, remaining hidden I have been powerless to influence the cause in many other ways -- I was staff for more than thirty-one years. And saying to myself: “well, I am making a contribution with my articles” no longer seems enough. Others I know are doing far more. And is it not a fact, as Marty so accurately points out, that per LRH, the only power and threat the suppressives hold over me is really the power to enturbulate? Something I must grant them and indeed worsen by staying connected to people like Miscavige, if only by the thin thread of a pretense.

So why the uncomfortable sensations as I struggle to make up my mind? Which seem magnified by the fact that no one is putting any pressure on me -- it’s purely my decision which means if for some reason things go wrong, there is no one with whom I can share responsibility. It’s truly a matter of personal conscience. And the very fact that I am left alone to make the decision speaks volumes of my friends.

So, in order to make up my mind and decide on the right course of action I turn to LRH references. Reviewing a great many, two stand out as stunningly applicable. The first is from Handbook for Preclears, in which LRH refers to the above quote from Shakespeare when he says:

“The first item in the ideal state is I AM. Shakespeare was quite correct with his question, 'To be or not to be?' When a man is trying to make a decision, that decision breaks down into a matter of choosing one of two courses: TO BE or NOT TO BE. The highest level of the desirable state is I AM. No doubts of the advisability of being, no qualms about the future. The lowest level on a survival course would be I AM NOT. In between we have the doubts and writhing and indecisions of the weary, the angry, the frightened. When a man has made up his mind as to a course of action, he is only then comfortable. So long as he hangs in a "maybe" on any decision, he is uncomfortable. In any course, there are just two decisions possible: To assume a STATE OF BEINGNESS or to assume a STATE OF NOT-BEINGNESS.”

The second is from a tape entitled "The Deterioration of Liberty" in which LRH says:

“When you have reduced liberty, it means you must be scared. When a man is afraid, he doesn’t perceive, so it almost always happens that that of which one is afraid doesn’t exist.

“Definition: Fear is a state of imperception; fear is an unwillingness to confront.

“If one cannot confront, he cannot become aware of.  So, if one is unwilling to confront, then he doesn’t know what he is confronting, and he doesn’t see what is in front of him.”

In reviewing those LRH quotes I realize four things:

I had incorrectly assumed that the uncomfortable sensations I experienced related to fear of future consequences when in fact they were the common feelings anyone undergoes when in the throes of having to make an important decision.

Any fear of “dire consequences” was really a misperception of those consequences. There was nothing Miscavige or his cronies could really do to me.

I would operate better not PTS -- not connected to Miscavige. And thus I would be in better shape and better situated to solve any future problems or overcome barriers.

The decision comes before the handling. It is not a matter of doing some handlings and THEN making the decision, if and when I can. That would be a reversal of truth. It is a matter of making the decision and then carrying it into effect with responsibility.

It suddenly seems silly that I actually go out of my way to pretend to be connected to Miscavige and the church. So I make my decision -- I will no longer “fly under the radar.” I am going public with my views and position. The uncomfortable feelings subsided – as LRH said they would -- once the decision was made.

I feel empowered, more alert and determined which is very useful because I will need those faculties to develop a plan and carry it out. Making the decision to go public was an act of increased responsibility not an excuse to cause mayhem to my dynamics. I will need to take a broader and higher level of responsibility for three key areas of my life:

       A. How to continue to do the Bridge for self and others,
       B. Connections (family and friends),
       C. My livelihood.

I find that being an Independent Scientologist -- wanting nothing further to do with Miscavige Scientology -- actually opened more doors for me than it closed. I had no problem solving the above three issues once I  made up my mind. There was damage caused by OSA, there is no doubt of that, but the increased advantages far outweighed the disadvantages.

And I experienced the warmth of real friendships; I find independents to be anything but fair weather friends. As my wife remarked it is truly inspiring to experience genuine and lasting friendship and going independent shows you who your real friends are.

I soon realized that before the decision I had been living under a dark cloud, and that I had been experiencing at least an inkling, a flavor of what it must have been like for someone of the Jewish faith living under the Nazis. Constantly wondering when I might make a verbal slip or give myself away or when one of my “friends” might sell out my family and me to appease the “authorities.”

Until I stepped out into the light I had not recognized how dark, cold and damp it was under that dark cloud.

I like the feel of the warmth out in the light.

I’m never going back.

Written by T. Paine

[This article was written some time ago. Events have moved on at quite a pace in my personal life -- after OSA discovered my identity and that of my family. New articles by way of explanation will follow shortly.]